tv marathons: 'i shouldn't be alive'

I have shameless spot--a soft spot on the brain that is--for tv marathons. I also have a daft spot for reality tv; and documentaries; and home improvement shows. Alright, my range varies--call me well-rounded.

However, not all programming is equal.

Generally Bad:
1. Bachelor, Bachelorette
2. Military shows

BAD

Generally Good: (this is obviously what I watch!)
1. Medical shows or documentaries
2. Anything on Bravo or HGTV
3. Talent shows

Could anything tickle your brain better than parasitic twins on a Discovery documentary, followed-up by Oddities (Science), maybe a little Sing Off (NBC), and then an inspiring (slightly hoarder-like) Extreme Couponing (TLC)? I think not.

EDUCATIONAL

Lately I'm stuck in I Shouldn't Be Alive (Animal Planet). Obviously, based on the title, we know someone survives, so really you're looking for the other casualties.

Before this show, I thought I was into nature and adventurous. This show runs with 1000 Ways to Die (SpikeTV), it's a motion picture advertisement for things you should never do.

1. Never test the elements. If it's raining, stay home; if it's snowing, stay home; if there's forecast for anything other than sunny with patchy clouds, stay home.
2. Never attempt to climb a 100 ft cliff wall if your kayak capsizes in white water rapids. .
3. Never go to the desert for a picnic, especially if it's summer or you're old.
4. Never go into the woods, forest, brush, or anything with high vegetation. Cancel your plan for a walk-about and put the didgeridoo back in the closet.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
5. Never go anywhere alone. Take a friend. Hopefully a sturdy one who can lift 200 pounds and also carries arsenal, flare guns, Swiss army knife (I supposed I could carry it), emergency food/water pack, and a transistor radio.

Don't believe shows like Man Vs. Wild, all lies. You will never be able to braid rope from an indigenous plant, securely anchor it to an object, and swing to safety 50 feet below. You will fall, you will hope to die, but you will probably be conscious staring at your tibia which has broken through skin. Your only hope is that the nerves were severed on the fall. This way you can break off the rest of your shin bone and create an emergency shank in a futile attempt to stab the grizzly bear who wandering on over with his gang of alligators and man-eating hippos.

Watch How It's Done Right--But He's Bear Grylls

There are good lessons to learn in these sometimes true/sometimes false survival shows. As a precaution, I suggest you hit the nearest muscle gym and give flirty eyes to the guy pressing 50 lb bells with his toes. Even better, find the one making loud 'whuah' noises. Chances are steroids destroyed his capacity to control emotions, leaving him volatile but more likely to rage at attackers. Get his number and establish a future meeting point. This way you should be safe come hither or high infected blood water. There's plenty of time to be friendly later, so try not to get distracted by his sexy tattoos.

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so it's halloween again

I promise, I do try to get into the spirit of things. It just seems so pointless.

When you were a kid, it was obvious, trick-o-treat yourself into the biggest stash of candy as possible. Hoard and consume candy as quickly as possible.

So what happens a few decades later when you're competing with the 20-something slut-face in the corner (and in that corner and on bar table and over by the bathroom and hooking it with the doofus on the dance floor)? This is while trying to convince yourself you have no concerns of mass exits by the inebriated in clunky costumes and on top of it trying to avoid eye contact with your friend whose bu-dunk is hanging out of her costume. (Friends do not count as aforementioned slut as they are a friend. Halloween is the one night friends are excused from telling other friends they need to change before going out in public.)

Things I hate about Halloween:
1. Crowds of people
2. Costumes without life-skill purposes (aka camo, which you will also never catch me wearing and hence never in the woods hunting animals or in the dessert hunting people)
3. Being co-erced to open my door whenever someone rings it
4. Lying to children (okay, I don't mind this so much) Pretending to not mind random kids hustle me for candy (this is particularly bad as it mixes item #2 and #3)

On a side note, I found a neat website that let's you draw and create your own comic strip. Hopefully these posts will get more visually interesting if I can figure out how to make my avatar look Asian.

seven billion and another step towards the apocalypse

Egad... They can't be serious. Are we really hitting seven billion by Halloween? How aptly timed with one of the "scariest" Hallmark holidays. 

Seven big problems for 7 billion people

p.s. Did they really have to show hundreds of Asians on inner tubes? This could be photoshop; but, my experience suggests it's not since Asians have this personal space issue (not me of course). 

I'm not so naive to think a medical apocalypse is really on the horizon in my lifetime. I didn't buy into the swine flu or those other minor pandemics. However, it's best to be prepared (get your vaccines fools!). The Zombie Survival Guide (though fictional) appears to be the most rational in the post apocalypse-not-getting-eaten strategy.

The question--still unknown--is will the zombies be the Walking Dead or 28 Days Later type. 

  

The most important distinction being, can they run faster than me and also maintain somewhat humanoid dexterity. Crazy thoughts, you might be saying, but having a plan is the difference in me (and the plus ones) finding a bunker or me (but not plus ones) having to slaughter your zombie-turned ass.

These are things which might be helpful to master in advance of the chaos. 

1. Drifting (see Fast and Furious) -- I need to quickly maneuver in and out of herds. Alternatively useful when a nabbing parking spot at the forever congested Central Market.
2. Guns -- I leave this as general statement, no verb. I assume my piano and hoop skills translate to excellent marksmanship. Incidentally, I have never held a gun, loaded a gun, and have no idea where the safety is; I'm assuming these are all good things to learn. NO ALTERNATE USE for this knowledge. Since witnessing a bank robbery is the closest I'll probably get to a gun, I've decided to just stop using banks and rely on credit cards and online payments. Nevermind, I'll learn to use a gun on the fly. I like puzzles, this must translate.
3. Water restriction -- I need to think camel or reptile, learn to live on very little water. I'm currently at drinking at the pace of an elephant. I'll supplement dry skin with expensive moisturizer for now:good alternative.