tv marathons: 'i shouldn't be alive'

I have shameless spot--a soft spot on the brain that is--for tv marathons. I also have a daft spot for reality tv; and documentaries; and home improvement shows. Alright, my range varies--call me well-rounded.

However, not all programming is equal.

Generally Bad:
1. Bachelor, Bachelorette
2. Military shows

BAD

Generally Good: (this is obviously what I watch!)
1. Medical shows or documentaries
2. Anything on Bravo or HGTV
3. Talent shows

Could anything tickle your brain better than parasitic twins on a Discovery documentary, followed-up by Oddities (Science), maybe a little Sing Off (NBC), and then an inspiring (slightly hoarder-like) Extreme Couponing (TLC)? I think not.

EDUCATIONAL

Lately I'm stuck in I Shouldn't Be Alive (Animal Planet). Obviously, based on the title, we know someone survives, so really you're looking for the other casualties.

Before this show, I thought I was into nature and adventurous. This show runs with 1000 Ways to Die (SpikeTV), it's a motion picture advertisement for things you should never do.

1. Never test the elements. If it's raining, stay home; if it's snowing, stay home; if there's forecast for anything other than sunny with patchy clouds, stay home.
2. Never attempt to climb a 100 ft cliff wall if your kayak capsizes in white water rapids. .
3. Never go to the desert for a picnic, especially if it's summer or you're old.
4. Never go into the woods, forest, brush, or anything with high vegetation. Cancel your plan for a walk-about and put the didgeridoo back in the closet.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
5. Never go anywhere alone. Take a friend. Hopefully a sturdy one who can lift 200 pounds and also carries arsenal, flare guns, Swiss army knife (I supposed I could carry it), emergency food/water pack, and a transistor radio.

Don't believe shows like Man Vs. Wild, all lies. You will never be able to braid rope from an indigenous plant, securely anchor it to an object, and swing to safety 50 feet below. You will fall, you will hope to die, but you will probably be conscious staring at your tibia which has broken through skin. Your only hope is that the nerves were severed on the fall. This way you can break off the rest of your shin bone and create an emergency shank in a futile attempt to stab the grizzly bear who wandering on over with his gang of alligators and man-eating hippos.

Watch How It's Done Right--But He's Bear Grylls

There are good lessons to learn in these sometimes true/sometimes false survival shows. As a precaution, I suggest you hit the nearest muscle gym and give flirty eyes to the guy pressing 50 lb bells with his toes. Even better, find the one making loud 'whuah' noises. Chances are steroids destroyed his capacity to control emotions, leaving him volatile but more likely to rage at attackers. Get his number and establish a future meeting point. This way you should be safe come hither or high infected blood water. There's plenty of time to be friendly later, so try not to get distracted by his sexy tattoos.

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